dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
