I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
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