You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
