just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
