My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
