Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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