He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
