There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
