My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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