First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
