If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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