I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
