So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
