If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
