she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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