we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
