my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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