She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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