Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
