I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
