My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
