I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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