i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
