there's paper in my vomit.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
