I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
