I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
