3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
farters have to be the big spoon...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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