I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
