I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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