we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
