I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
