The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
