are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
