bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
How does one acquire holy water?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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