so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
