I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
