I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
