its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
