oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
