I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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