mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
