i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
