I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
