no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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