i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I would ride that face into the sunset
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
