HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
