Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
