if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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