you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
