And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
