I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i need some magic done to my vagina
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
