I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
