You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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