John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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